Ok so I guess I should first continue in my last journal entry, where I was talking about Nick. We did go to the fair together, that was some good times. But him, Julie and I all got sick in some way shape or form. I did, because I hit my head on one of the rides. It was kind of bleh... so instead of continuing to ride rides we played "I GOT IT" and looked at the animals. Tee hee... 'I got it' is addicting, and not once did i win! That kind of ticked me off a bit! I had it almost 100 times, and never could get it. But Nick ended up winning more than once, so he let me pick out a prize, and I got a basketball... whooh hooh! Thanks Nick.

Ok so then what? Not much, I ended up going to his house to play cards a bit. I asked him at that point if he wanted to go to the Balloon Rally with us. He didn't seem interested. Actually I told him he might not want to go, because he might get embarrassed. And he was like 'I do'nt think I want to', so I took that as a no! So then when David called, I asked him if he wanted to go be a geek with us and he of course said yes! YAY! But then Nick acted as if he was upset with someone, and he asked me why I didnt' want him to come. I never said that.... I had no idea what that was about. I figured seeing how we had spent the last two days together, he was getting sick of me or something, so I didn't want to push it. But he said he would ahve liked to go, and then I felt bad.

Well anyway... so me, Katie, Ryan, and David went to the After Glow being the biggest geeks in the entire world! We dressed up in Jedi gear and brought our light sabers. It was GREAT FUN! Little kids asked to get their pictures with us, and this guy from the Cuba Patriot took our picture, so we may just be in the paper. It was fun being a geek with Kat again! We always have a good time. Cori, Joey and Suzzy went too, but they were too embarrassed to be with us. HOW RUDE! We then went to the Texas Hot and made more fools of ourselves. Then it was time to come home. David and I talked and Katie, Ryan and that weird guy talked. The highlight of the evening is when these young boys started yelling dumb things to us. Something about being in trenchcoats! We didnt' really understand them, I just found it humorous that they were screaming to us. We obviously were NOT in trench coats, but cloaks, what do they know! But that is how we formed the name "the Trenchless Coat Maffia" tee hee!

.................

So then I took David home. But something else happened Friday night that was not very cool. Nick and I had our very first little spat. It was kind of dumb looking back at it. But I was still really hurt. See David and I were talking, and he mentioned that Nick a long time ago said that "all fag hags have one thing in common, they are all fat, ugly, women". When I heard this, I felt so sick! How could a guy I care about so much, say something so hurtful? Now I know he said this before he knew me, but still.... it was a shock. But then I talked to Nick about it, and he was a bit mad that I got so upset. The night we talked til 6 am he did say that all fag hags had somethign in common, he said they were often a little bigger, and a lot of the time fell for their fag. But he denied that he EVER said they were ugly. I guess normally if someone said somethign like this, I wouldn't care, but because I care so much about Nick, it hurt me more. He said that he and David obviously remembered things differently, and so I told him, ok... and dropped it. *shrugs* I don't know. I don't want it to bother me, so I won't let it. But one other thing hit me a bit. He has been introducing me to people as his hag. And he thinks that hags fall for their fags, so does that mean he thinks I like him? I don't know! When I mentioned it to him, he said 'no you liked David though'. So yeah, I guess that is true. Ok I am done talking and thinking about all of that.... especially seeing how Friday night Nick and I were up til 6 am talkign on the computer... again.

..................

Saturday was one of the funnest days we have had in a very long time!!! First, me, Joey, cori and Nick all went to the Sidewalk sale. There wasn't much going on there, but we still had some fun just walking around and talking! Plus I got one of those drum things from karate kid II. Tee hee... good times! Cori wanted to get one, but Joey said it was dumb, so she didn't. I was glad Nick went with us, we checked out boys together and just had fun! But anywho, after that it was off to the American Idol concert. I don't know what it was about it... if it was just because the concert was so fun, or what we did afterwards, or even if it was just because it was just the three of us! But it was a lot of fun! I know that Joey thinks the same thing, he had a great time. He said in the car that he has a good time every weekened, but that night was AWESOME! So the concert just plain rocked. All three of us want Kimberly Locke! she is just amazing, and when she sang by herself I almost cried. But it was great seeing Clay, Ruben, Kim C, Trenyce, Ricki, Carmen, Charles, and Julia too. It was very entertaining, and full of talent! They sang the best I ever remember hearing them sing! Trenyce did "proud Mary" and it blew us away! My favorite part was "Somewhere over the rainbow" with Kim L, and then probably the time when the boys and girls did kind of a 'sing off' with bootylicous and an older song. But it was all so good, Ruben and Clay's new singles are amazing, and the BeeGee's meledy was cool. There wasn't a bad moment in the show! I just loved it.

Ok so we were hyped after that, and the three of us went to Marcella's. It was really slow at first, because we were SO extremely early. I was so tired, I mean I couldn't stop yawning. At one point I sat down in the "Club Bounce" room, and almost fell asleep! It was funny, one of the bouncers thought I passed out, and came over to ask me if I was ok. TEE HEE.. it was GREAT! But then I got a second wind and we started dancing a lot! These two bois were checking out Joey, and when I went to sit down, then both asked me about him. lol that was kind of weird! They were both cute in my eyes. One was black, the other white. The black boi seemed almost straight. But both of them were nice! The one got a little upset though, becasue Joey wouldn't dance with him. I had to explain that he was seeing someone, etc etc. OK, so I just have to say that Cori looked amazing... She has lost so much weight, and she is just gorgeous. When I sat there and saw her dance, I coudln't help but think i have the most beautiful and talented sister in the world!!! I was almost jealous! Tee hee... she is great. Hmmm what else happened? Oh we can't forget about the Lenny Kravitz wannabe! Joey thought he was cool, but Cori and I thought he was absolutely disgusting. He was very vain, kept dancing in front of the mirrior, and then grabbing himself... and he was whorey too! It was just nasty! Then we have to talk about the guy that went around and sold shots. Twice he came up to me and asked me if I wanted some, and was dancing all sexual for me. It was so funny, I laughed in his face. Not in a mean way, I just think its funny what they will do to sell drinks. He was cute, and a good dancer, but I wasn't going to buy a shot... well maybe if he gave me a lap dance i would have (lol JUST KIDDING!) There were a lot of cute bois there last night! ALL RACES, all hot! Tee hee! And the one bartender in the big room was HOT HOT! Not the big muscle man one, that wore booty shorts over his belly button and no shirt! EWWW. But the other guy! What else happened? Oh yeah... there was this big black women that freaked me! I didn't know what to do about that! It was a little weird again! But overall I had a really good time. I felt bad though, because I was sick, I didn't have a voice, my throat hurt, and I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired! I don't remember being that tired in a long time. And so we left kind of earlier than we normally would. I felt horrible, and didn't want them to have to leave for me. But at the point I think the only person taht wanted to stay was Joey. So I guess it was ok! Next time we will stay all night, I promise!

..................

Ok well I guess its almost time to get ready for work! Have I mentioned lately how much I hate the Texas Hot...!!!!!!!!!! Oh that's right, I do EVERY journal entry. Its just dumb because I have a great weekend, until sunday rolls around. Grrrr! Well I am going to get in the shower, and maybe take a nap. I can't wait for another week to spend with my friends! Until then... ciao!

Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

**Warning this journal entry is under construction.... more will appear in it as soon as Rushel is awake enough to finish**

WOW I AM SO STINKIN TIRED! Last night Nick came over again. I have decided that Nick and I are not allowed to spend the night with each other anymore! lol ok so that is a big fat lie... but we stayed up til 6 am AGAIN! It was really nice, we talked about things that I don't think anyone else really knows... I mean, I don't talk about those thigns with just anyone, probablyl only Cori. and that is kind of weird! But we had a good coversation yet again... and then today we went to the fair together.

more to come...

So yeah last night I had a good time. First, yesterday was the first Cross Training with my YFC kids. It was really cool to see Fred and Crosby really get into it. They really want to grow closer to God, and that is so encouraging.

So anywho... Nick called me while I was at Isaac's and asked me to come over after work. So at 8:30 I begun my journy to Friendship. After a few hours of playing cards with Julie and Josh, we moved into the living room to "watch tv". But neither of us really watched anything... and before I knew it, he was folding out the futon and I was spending the night. I never asked, and he never suggested it, I just did. We thought we were both really tired, but as soon as we laid down, we just continued to talk. And before we knew it again... lights were going on in his house and his sister and mom were getting up for work. That was crazy stuff! He is a great person to cuddle with. I never thought I would enjoy cuddling so much while in bed and trying to sleep.. but nothing is better than just being with someone. I am just that kind of person though... I love to be hugged, and all that jazz!

Nick is a really good person. I know I have said that a lot of times, but we talk, and he just really cares. Not only that, but for some reason we just think the same way. WE are on the same wave length, and so communicating is easy. And honestly, I think its been healthy for me to have friends 'outside of the group'. Not just any old friend... someone CLOSE that is actually outside of the group. Because just as we have all said in our journals the last few months, we are all obsessed/dependent with one another. Its so weird, because we all know we are, and we dont' really like it, but at the same time we LOVE it! WE don't want to change it, we don't want to miss each other, we don't want to be left out... do I need to go on? We love our group, and we wouldnt' change our friends for anything... and we dont' care that we are the most important people in each others lives. Well I think what we have is incredible, unique and definitly rare. But at least for me, it is really healthy for me to venture out as well!

Ewww Nick is leaving in like 2 and 1/2 weeks. That is really sad... and then after that I am moving! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I am so scared, nothing is coming together yet. What am I going to do? Ok i don't even want to think about it, because every time I do, i just get erally confused and anxious. So I am going to end everything now and just say that its fun to cuddle, and I love my friends.

*Let's out a long drawn out sigh* Boy its good to be home! Don't get me wrong, I had a very very good week. But it was long and tiring, and its great to be home. So we went to Summer Splash, and instead of being in Ocean City it was in Wildwood. I was a little weary at first about it... expecting it to not be good at all. But in so many ways it is much better! Wildwood's boardwalk is more fun... same kind of shops, but 3 amusment parks, and carnival type games and stuff too. Everything is all right near each other, which is nice! Like the convention center was right next to the volleyball courts, which were across the street from the soccer field, etc. And to make things even better... our hotel was a block away from that all! We weren't even a block from the beach. So it was good times. Plus food was cheaper... and besides that someone went to cook for us. It definitely wasn't the same as good ol OC.... but I think that is only because we aren't kids anymore.... and we were missing the gang (ie Joey and Brianna mostly)

The kids were really good! They had a ton of fun, there was no real drama, and we didn't have to 'watch' any of them. Crosby became famous after the first day we were there... every group and everyone knew who he was! GO FIGURE! We had a lot of upfront time this year... andy won part of the talent show so got on stage, Crosby was on stage, we were on the video at least once every day, people came up to cori and I and told us our dances rocked, ummm and when we had our neon day the main speaker thought we were awesome and mentioned us on stage! GO SOUTHERN TIER! WE also did well in Sports... we didn't win or anything, but we did very well and had a lot of fun! OH but Corinna did get second in cross country, and rosanne got third, so that was nifty. WE also got second in one the challenges for "Challenge of the Chapters". Go fred and his hacky sack team! Whoooh hooh.

Really the week was some good times. Cori and I hung out a lot, and just relaxed and got tan. WE didn't argue once... and I think we came to the conclusion that when we actually do argue it is when others are involved. But I really enjoyed it. It was also really cool to me, because I got to see a lot of the YFC family. I am really becoming connected in the eastern region, and know a lot of great people because of it. YFC really is great! I am going to miss beign a part of it. Which reminds me.. .I saw Kaaren Rexroth from Maryland. She said there are some YFC positions open there. ONe of them being a student leadership coordiantor. I dont' know how I feel about that all... but it is worth checking out right?

Throughout the week, I really got closer to my kids. Espeically Corinna.... she is amazing and I love her! You could really see God working in her. And all the others.... Fred, Ashlea, Katrina, Corinna, Crosby all went up for the alter call and made steps in their relationships with Christ. (And those were just MY kids... jon and heather both had kids go up too) And I couldn't help but be hit really hard. I am going to miss those kids like crazy! And I have already begun to disciple them... what is going to happen when I leave them? Then I think of Kristen and Katie... neither of them went up.. which is fine... but it just makes me realize how much I want to help them get to know Christ. I think Kristen has made a committment in the past, and God was working in her this week... but kate.. *sighs* she just has this wall! She won't let him in! I just love these kids so much, and really want to see them know GOD!

Ok ok... so God is just amazing! It was great to be there, and to see how he really works. The youth speaker... Josh Weidman was really amazing. He was in high school in colorado during columbine.... and he has a great testimony. He is also hot... right cori? *grins* she has his number/email... ask HER about him. Tee hee. God worked in me a lot this week too. I am not so bitter towards a lot of things anymore. And I know that he has some great plans for me... i just need to let him work in me and through me.

Ok so I guess that is it for now. Can you believe it.. I was only home a few hours and the stupid texas hot called me in to work in the morning! EWWWW! I would have said no, but i really need the money, and plus I get to work with my mommy, so all is good there. But because of that, I guess I should probably go to bed. *sighs* I just have one more thing to say... 'watch the tramcar please...watch the tramcar please'

Ok I am getting very very frustrated. In less than 5 days, YFC is taking kids down to NJ for Summer Splash. I had the most kids out of everyone.... and I was so excited that I was going to be able to spend time with all these kids in such a fun environment. Plus Ocean City has always been some of the BEST times in my life.... not only was it a blast, it was also a time for me to grow spiritually and be challenged. I just want the same for these kids.... right? Yeah well so far we have had 3 people back out, and I think there may be a couple more. Do you know how frustratign that is? Not only will these kids not get to have a great time, not get to hear about God... but YFC also loses a crap load of money *f*. So here I am trying to call a bunch of students really fast... seeing who can come up with some money to go. So far no luck. God please be with this situation, and just bring the kids you want to ... and give me a peace about it. Because right now I want to scream!

So I haven't written in a few days again. But I have been on the go a lot, so that is why. Actually, I haven't even read journals, or got online in a few days, which is kind of weird. Hmmm what did I do this weekend... Oh yeah...First there was Thursday. It was my BEST FRIENDS 21st BIRTHDAY!!! It wasn't that big of a deal, but I did everything I could to try to make Cori feel speical. She deserves way more... but I tried. Joey and suzzy were here along with some texas hot gals and the family. I think... well i hope she had a good time. Then when we took Joey home, I checked my voice mail, and nick had called. that was the second time he left a voice message and I didnt' call him back.. whoops. then just as we were coming over the hill he called again. So I told him I was in Friendship and he told me to stop by. I did, but only for a few minutes cause cori and suzzy were with me, and we made plans for him to come over on Friday.

Friday. Friday I got up and went to the office for a couple hours to get stuff ready for the car wash and stuff. Then it was off to go grab nick. I guess I was a little late, cause when I got there he was waiting.. and said it took me forever to get there. that makes me think... i am always late... that is NOT cool, i need to change that. ok so anyway, we came back to wellsville and played pinochle with mom and dad. We were on the same team, and won again! Tee hee.... Ok then i had to work at Isaac's... bleh! But nick came with me, and stayed the entire time... that is good times! I love it when my friends go to isaac's with me, it makes things so much better... and he was so good with the kids! Seeing men that are good with kids is so attractive. Ok then what did I do... oh yeah! It was alumni weekend so Kat and I wanted to check it out... it being our five year and all. We went and there was NO ONE THERE! So her and Ryan, me and Nick decided to go to Better Days instead. Nick had this silly idea of telling everyone that he was my boyfriend. Oh boy, that was fun! He would put his arm around me, and tell everyone i was his girlfriend, and we held hands... then this one comment.. i saw a lot of people from high school there, and becky and brad and tracey... becky bellows asked what I have been doing... and nick says "me"... i hit him! So yeah.. that was amusing anyway... and when we drove by in the car, he leaned over and preteneded to make out with me! What a fricker! Well that was fun, and then we came home and played pinochle online together. AT about 3am I was getting tired, and had to get up for the car wash, so i said i was goign to bed... he said he would be in after he played one more game... well at 7am i heard the beads on my door and my eyes fluttered open. There nick was with a smile saying 'morning'... i thought i was late and looked at the clock, i realized it was early and was confused... yeah well he was JUST going to bed... what a dork! He is so addicted to pinochle; its so funny. but yeah, so he climbed into bed with me, and cuddled up next to me, and fell asleep... from 7-9:30 i drifted in and out of sleep, but could'nt really sleep that well... then it was time to get up

Saturday. As I woke up I realized Nick would not be any good at the Car Wash because he was so tired, so he ended up going to Scots and slept while I went to the car wash. It was pretty successful... 9 kids showed up, and worked really hard. it was a beautiful day, which helped a lot. We made over $400 which rocks! The only bad part was I was out in the sun for way too long! I am soooooooooo burnt! I think this is the worst sunburn i have ever gotten. When I got home, and Nick and I got in the pool, which was very warm... i thought i was going to puke... and i coudln't stop shivering. But anywho... we got out, and I went upstairs to shower and stuff. Then i came back downstairs to play a game of pinochle with the rents and nick. we drew for teams, and i ended up with my mom. it was getting late, so we said we would only go to 250... well mom and i were kicking nick and dad's butts.... and i know how competitive nick is. so he said he would save the score sheet and we would finish later... because a lot could happen the second half of the game... again i say.. WHAT A DORK!

Saturday night. Well after dinner and getting ready it was time to pick up Sarah and joey and head over to Jamestown. It was an ok night... the cute DJ really needs to work again though, she is much better than the nasty owner! I danced most of the time with Nick... It was a weird crowd though, people I didn't really know, and a lot of lesbians, rather than the hot gay bois. Still we had a good time. Amanda and Mandah were there, I talked with them a bit... Jimmi and Mickey came really late. I said hi to mickey and he came over to hug me, but jimmi didn't say anything to me... that was kind of weird. I dont know what that was about... We danced one song togheter, but that was it for those bois. I got a weird vibe around him. Hmmm I also talked to Justin a bit... nick thought he was cute, so i was thinking about seeing what justin thought of him. So that was about it...nothing overly exciting, but I did have a good time. on the way home, Nick and I slept, but I kept waking up because the frickers were really loud! LOL good times!

Sunday. what can i say i hate sundays with a passion!!! Mostly because I really hate the Texas Hot. But I should count my money, we were really busy tonight, so I hope I made a lot. So there is the weekend.. and now I am sore from sunburn and tired from work. I am excited to see what this week has to offer...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CORI!

Ok so I haven't written in a couple of days. Not really sure why. I guess I am just thinking that my life really isn't all that exciting... not exciting enough to write about. But oh well, then I realized that journals don't have to be exciting. Just what you are thinking and feeling... they are for you... not for your friends right? So anyway yeah....

Monday I didn't have Marching Band, and I didn't have other stuff to do... and last week Nick said something about haning out on monday. so i got a hold of him. Actually that was pretty easy, because he was online, because he was at his friend Scot's house. I thought I remembered David saying something about a Scot that lived near me. And come to find out it was the same person... and he lives right down the street from me! He lives right on Osborne street, isn't that just nifty? Well anywho, he was there, and so we decided he was going to come over in the evening. mom asked cori and I to stay home for a change, so it worked out nice. He came over, and hung out with mom and dad, cori and i. WE played pinochle, and he and i were partners and we WON! whooh hooh, he is now addicted to it too. He keeps saying 'when can i come over and play again' Which is good times. My mom and dad really liked him too, which is pretty cool! Actually the next day my dad asked if he liked them, and my dad never cares about that stuff, so that is kind of funny. And then he said 'its too bad he is gay'... and that wasn't because he was ewww about him being gay, he was just like 'he is a really nice guy' and i think he thought it would be cool if i was actually brining him home as a boyfriend. LOL now wouldn't that be funny!

So anywho.... we had dinner, and then we came upstairs and just laid around for awhile. Then finally we got bored, and decided we wanted to do somethign else. And because nick is a ping-pong expert *wink* we decided to go to Isaacs! he is a fricker, he has to beat me in everything. And after he kicked my butt right handed, he decided to do it left handed too.. the stupid show off. Cori was there too, and he beat her, but not as easily. He beat me in cards again too! BUT i actually did beat him in pool... which was pretty cool. ha ha nick!

*lol* ok so I am a dork! Yesterday was a bit different. See every tuesday I go to David's, but I didn't this Tuesday. I guess he decided to stay in Syracuse, which is cool... but I wish I would have known. I just planned on beign with him. Oh well i suppose! It was actually kind of good... weird but good to stay home. The only bad thing, besides not getting to see David was I missed the QAF season finale... that stinks! but I am hoping I can download on line. I have downloaded all the other episodes I missed this season, so we shall see! Am I a loser for missing David? Yes yes I definitely am... it hasn't been that long! Ok geesh i hate this!

Ok i have to go get ready for work! Bleh bleh I hate it more than anything. I can't wait to get out of here. Besides it sucks, because I have been feeling really weird lately. So much for the amazing summer! OK no... i am not going to have that attitude! It is going to be a lot of fun, just different than what I expected right? different can be fun too! here i am trying to convince myself! Ok time to go... bye

Can you believe it? I went to church at Brookside this weekend! And you know what? It was really good actually. Not only did I really enjoy the sermon, but I was very afraid of everyone being like ‘where have you been?’ or ‘we have missed you so much!’ and make me feel all weird. But it wasn’t like that at all. Everyone asked about Dad, they all hugged me, and said they were glad I was there, but not ONE person made me feel bad at all, they were just happy to see me. And it was some good stuff too. I also didn’t have a bad attitude, like I had been having about the whole organized religion thing. So God is really working in that….

Ok now lets back up a bit. This Saturday was a bit different. I had a parade to go to, then I went to Nicole’s graduation party. After that I went home to get ready to go out. I came home to something very nasty though. See my dad got pretty drunk… AGAIN, and he hurt himself really bad. See alcohol is retarded! I wanted to scream at him… and at mom for letting him drink. He isn’t even recovered yet. But no he still is dumb… and he should have went to the emergency room, but was too embarrassed to do it. I don’t know, everything like that ticks me off really bad. But moving on….

So I got ready to go out with Jenn. It ended up being me, Jenn, Joel, and Sarah. We had a pretty good time… the Wave was aight. They did play excellent music. But I just didn’t have as good of a time. I was telling Kat about it, and she suggested maybe I just wasn’t as comfortable there as I am at Sneakers. I think she is right. So anywho… there were a few cute guys, but that was about it. Then we went to Perkins to eat, and talk and laugh. That was fun. There was this one guy at the Wave that was kind of checking me out. He was a preppy white boy… lol I wasn’t interested. It was disapointing, because I really wanted Nick to go. I called him earlier on Saturday and he said he did’nt want to go, and made up a bunch of dumb excuses. I tried to make him feel guilty … tee hee… but it didn’t work. Then on our way to Olean (we were in Scio) he called my cell phone. He sounded like he was surprised we hadn’t left yet. So I asked him if he still wanted to go. He hummmed and hawed… and then said he could’nt get ready that quick. I asked him why he would call, when he thought I would be in the club, and he said he just wanted to know if it was any fun. I have no idea what that was about. I wouldn’t have answered my phone in the club, and if he wanted to go he should have said so. Well oh well….

Moving on…. Today I spent part of the morning crying. I am so sad right now about Daniel! He is really getting into a lot of bad stuff. He is drinking, and hanging out at parties all the time. He is only 13!!!! And his mom knows what he is doing and doesn’t even care. He needs counseling, he needs to get out of here. But is it my place to say or do anything? I feel like it is, because I feel like I care about him more than anyone in the world, even his own mother. But at the same time, I could be very wrong.. and he isn’t my kid. I don’t know…. It just makes me so sad, and I really don’t know what to do. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.

Well I suppose I should go…. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to think. I just want to curl up, and read my Harry Potter book… because at least when I read it, I don’t think about anything else. Ok I’m out!

So last night was …. Different. I went to Friendship to the Carnival and that was fun. The highlight of that was I put Jon in the dunk tank! He says I throw like a girl, but whateva… I rock! Anywho, then I went to Nick’s house and played cards with him, Tiana, Christy and his mom. Then a little after 8:00 I get a text message… It was from David and all it said was: “WTF?” So I was a bit confused, and we started text messaging back and forth. He told me that I was on ‘their time now and I should be there.. yadda yadda’. We were just finishing a game, so I was planning on staying there to finish it and then leaving. But when I got that, I was a bit upset. What was that about… I wasn’t even that late. I mean I know we planned on hanging out which is cool, but why the ‘WTF?’ and why so insistent that I was there right then. Nick asked what was wrong, but I didn’t really tell him. Then he kept saying ‘maybe you should go… they are waiting… etc’. He was worried the others would be upset with me, or with him for keeping me. But he also knew something was wrong and kept asking me what. I was having a lot of fun with Nick, and then I started to think about the whole conversation the other day with Joey. I text messaged and asked if he could come too, and they said ‘we voted and the collective answer is no’. I know we already talked about it, but that didn’t make it any better. I mean, I don’t understand why Cori could invite Sarah, Nicole, and Bri and so on, but I wasn’t allowed to invite anyone. If it was just our group, and we wanted it to be just our group, I would understand… but yeah it wasn’t the case! The words “anyone but nick” keep ringing in my head! I don’t know why I take it so personal but I do, and it really hurts! And I realize it was Joey's house, and he has the right to say what he wants... I got over it, and wasn't going to push it anymore. But it still hurt.

So anyway, I ended up going to the bonfire, and Cori wasn’t even there yet! I sat there for a bit, and everyone acted like it was no big deal, so then I just figured that I interpreted the text messaging wrong or something. I don’t know…. I was just in a funk at that point. I laid with David for a bit, and that was nice… but yeah I wasn’t having fun, and I was still hurt a little. And maybe it was all in my head, but I felt very distant from the group. So I decided to go back to Nicks. Maybe I am over reacting over all of this, but I don’t know what else to think. I just wanted to have fun.

So yeah that was that. I don’t really understand it all… but I guess I don’t have to. I had a good time at Nick’s though. We sat and talked with his sisters and played cards a bit. Then his sisters all went out, and his mom went to bed, so that left just him and I. We played cards of course, and he beat me EVERY TIME the fricker! But we also got to know each other more. We kind of played ‘the question game’ but we kept straying off the topic and stuff. Then at one point I slipped and said something about him being gay in front of his niece, and she freaked out a bit. I felt horrible that I slipped, but I thought she knew, because Christy talks about it all the time. I covered up by saying that I was kidding… but then we talked with her about it. She was like ‘ewww gross’ about anyone being gay. So we told her it was wrong to think that way, just as it would be wrong for anyone to dislike someone because they were black. We used that example, because she has a thing for black people. So that was fun, I felt like we were helping someone who was naïve and enlightening them. I don’t like it when kids grow up with that kind of an attitude. Sometimes I don’t know how Cori and I became so open minded… So that was good! Then it became like 3:30 and Christy came home. I was like ‘wow’ its kind of late. But we ended up playing one more game… that lasted til like 4:30. I was soooooooo tired at that point, I was almost falling asleep. Nick offered for me to stay there, because he was worried that I would fall asleep at the wheel (which I almost did) but I decided I should go home, so I could sleep til the last minute this morning.
Ok so I guess that is it. I hope Cori, Joey, Suzzy, and David aren’t mad at me for leaving… I just hope they understand how I feel. Actually its kind of funny that I am afraid of them being mad at me. But what can I say.. you know me… Well its time to do some work and such. I am so glad it’s the weekend. Tonight I am staying home for a change, and then tomorrow its off to a parade, Nicole’s graduation and then going out with Jenn and Joel. Whooh hooh… hopeful good times ahead! I just hope I don’t feel like a third wheel. And wow its going to be weird not going to Sneakers. I have only missed 3 weekends in like 5 months… tee hee. Perhaps change will be good. Ok I’m out!

So last night I figured I would just have a boring night. Especially after such a depressing morning. But little did I know....

It was around 10 at the Texas Hot, and Nicole and I were talking. She then suggested that i call David, and tell him and Paul to come visit us at work. I told her 'no way you call David,' and to my great surprise she DID! I didn't expect her to. So she called and asked them to come, and there was no way that I thought that they would come. But when she hung up the phone and smiled, and told me that they were, I was completely shocked. So although I could have been done by 10:30, I decided to wait around for them, and then Nicole was getting off at 11. Well 11 rolled around and still no Paul and David... go figure. Nicole called, and they were on their way, and finally got there at 11:30. Well I was sick of sitting at the Texas Hot, so I suggested we go back to my house and chill on the porch. So Nicole went home to change, I went to get some refreshments, and we all met back at my house.

And the night began. It was just a chilled night. We listened to music, Cori came down and hung out... also she did my and David's nails. And I went to go get Suzzy as well. So it was David, Paul, me, Cori, Nicole and Suzzy. I was in a good mood too. Except the pool water was warm, and NO ONE would go swimming with me... tee hee. Other than that, we just talked. They left at about 2, and I went upstairs. I ended up staying on the computer til 4 am... not even really sure why. I tried painting my nails, and had to redo them, and they still look crappy. And then as I waited for them to dry, I got addicted to canasta online. I am the biggest dork!

But it was a good night, and I got out of my depression which was good. I enjoy doing spontaneous things like that. This weekend is going to be a bit different. It is the first time the 'group' will be completely split up. Yeah every week there is one person or another that doesn't hang out, but this week Cori and Joey are going to Jacob's, David is going to syracuse, Suzzy has a graduation party and then Jeebs, and I am going out with Jenn, Joel, Christie (Nick's sister) and possibly Nick. It should be fun... but it will be weird actually not going to Jamestown! Oooh I also have something else to look forward to. Saturday the new Harry Potter book comes out! Whooh hooh! I can't wait. Ok well I guess I better get some work done. Today I am at the office, then its off to Friendship for a carnival thing, then to Nicks, then finally a bonfire at Joey's. Til next time...

I am not really sure what to write. I am kind of depressed today... Ok so make that REALLY depressed! I guess its carrying over from last night. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time last night. I went to David's just like I do every Tuesday, and I think we watched 50 episodes of QaF. I had a good time... there was no reason why I shouldn't have. And Mandah called again... I talked to her for a bit.

but yesterday was a really depressing day! It started with me weighing myself. I gained stinkin 2 lbs!!! That ticked me off so bad, because I thought I did good last week, and I haven't really gained since this whole losing weight thing. So that was a huge discouragment. Then I was reading some journal entries... that made things worse. I just realized how much I think about people, and yet it isn't returned at all. I miss my friends like crazy whenever I don't see them... I don't know. I really don't know what I want to reveal in here or not. I don't want pity... I don't want people to comfort me if its not real. Its just all stupid.. I am stupid. And I know my friends hate it when I feel this way... they don't know what to say or do, and they shouldn't have to deal with me. So that is why i TRY not to bring it up. Its just all stupid... I am stupid.

So last night I wasn't sure if I should have went to David's or not. Because I knew I wasn't in the best of moods anyway... and when I talked to him on the phone, we were a little snippy to each other. But I got there, and things were ok. That was a relief. We talked, we wathced QaF, we went to go get food... and I gave him his present! (I made him and I both rainbow pillows, his says 'fag' mine says 'hag'... yeah I am a dork... but oh well!) Ok so things were cool, until after the new QaF. David was talking to Andy on the phone, so I got on the computer to check my mail. I suddenly was very depressed... it hit me like i ran into a wall or something. I don't even know how to explain it, or what it was. I went upstairs and was going to tell David that I was goign to go home... and he came over to hug me and ask me what was wrong. Then they came... the tears started to flow! I couldn't hold them back no matter how hard I tried. Why am I such a fricker! I hate it so bad. Seriously... I just need to go to sleep and never wake up or something. I hate feeling this way! David did help though. we talked a bit about how close we are, and how even though I am moving, we will never fall apart. But I tried to explain to him that things just wouldn't be the same. We would not be able to cuddle, and talk all the time, and hang out every week... and we would eventually fall apart. And who's fault is it? Its mine, I am the one moving away right? I can't even begin to get upset... i can't get upset at Cor, joey, suzzy or jacob either. I just feel unloved and unwanted most of the time. And now I find out that my group of friends don't really like one of my new friends. That really sucks, and I take it personal!

I don't know... today just sucks... yesterday was bleh.... and now I have to work at the Texas Hot! Ewww! I am going to go do something... anything

Yay last night was a lot of fun! Cori, Suzzy, Joey, Nick and I all headed out to Sneakers. It was a lot better than last week in my eyes. And Jacob, his sister Jami and her friend Morgan came and met us there. The music was better, and just for some reason I had a much better time. I danced with all da bois... but mostly Nick. I am getting to know Nick a bit more, and he is awesome! Before we went out, I went to his house, played cards and got ready. Good times! Tee hee... I danced with "Take your shirt off guy" aka Adam. He is really really nice too, and not what I expected at all. As my duties as 'hag', I am kind of trying to hook him and Nick up. Nick went with the idea of meeting him, because of his personality and standards. And Cori and I both agree that he is a cutie. So who knows what will happen there. There was something missing last night though, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was just a bit different. suzzy danced with Josh and exchanged numbers... she is a funny. I got in a little bit of a funk some of the time, but Jacob tried hard to cheer me up. He is such a sweetie, I love him. I think part of the reason why I was in a funk though is because of some of my feelings. I just had this sudden saddness for people who are lost. And plus I have come to the conclusion that its true... ALL gay men are teases (except for Jacob) and including Nick! but then again its my own fault, I let them be teases. So yeah Cori and Joey were mad because I met 'take your shirt off guy' and we gave him a ride home. He also wanted to give us his number for the next time we came out. I feel a little weird calling him though. So yeah that is about it... and today is Father's Day, so I am goign to spend time with my daddy. Til next time... ciao

PS... Jenn is in town! YAY!!!!!!!!!1

Ok so I am so ticked off. I did not want to spend my Friday night this way. I got out of work at Isaac's at 8:30 and came home. I have spent the last 4 hours playing doctor with my computer. I had to completely reimage my computer because I had a stinkin virus that Norton couldn't fix! Can you believe that crap? grrr I am frustrated... I lost my music, my pictures... and most importantly my resume! Bleh, computers are beast holes! And no Joey I am not its hag! So ok.. there I am done venting about that now.

.......

Last night I had a really good time. I went to hang out with Nick. At first I was a bit apprehensive about it, just because Nick and I have never hung out by ourselves before, and I didn't know if we would run out of things to talk about or if I would just feel weird. But that was not the case at all! I got there, and remet his family... well some of them I met at his sisters wedding, and then his one sister Christie I met last night. They were all really cool, and reminded me a lot of my own family. They are very open, and you can tell they all love each other. There are 7 kids in his family... that is soooo cool! And Nick is right in the middle. So anyway, we hung out there a bit and I talked to all of them. I felt completely comfortable there. Then Nick and I left, and went to Olean. I got a couple of gifts for Dad for Father's Day and then we went to Friendly's. I got my usual... but I sharred it with Nick. He flirted with teeny bopper girls that were checking him out, and I introduced him to Jamie. It was great to see Jamie... she is a cool one! We laughed and talked, and just got to know each other more. Then it was back to his house. I sat and played cards with him and two of his sisters for hours! Nick was so excited that my family is a card playing family too! Non card playing families just don't get what they are missing. And we play things the same too! More good times.... I think I left there at like 3:30 am! I don't know why I had such a good time, it really was just laid back and silly stuff. But I was so comfortable with him and his family, and I really got to know him. So yes I am excited about that. This weekend we are off to Jamestown again (whooh hooh Nick too). Last weekend really sucked, so I am hoping this weekend will be better. Ooooh but before we go to Jamestown, I am going to a wedding with Kat. Dan Yarrington is getting married... wow that is a weird one. But a lot of Houghton people will be there that I haven't seen since last year at Rachel's wedding. So I am excited about that. Ok... at first I was in a really bleh mood because of my computer. But now as I write my entry I am all happy. Yay for LJ!

Ok so last night I went over to David's. It was a simple night, we mostly just chilled! But it was really good, it has been awhile since it was JUST me and David. We watched a first season episdoe of QaF.. then talked, then watched a first season episdoe of QaF... then got on the computer to look at hot bois again... then watched the most RECENT episodes of QaF... awww it made me cry! Then we chilled some more, and went back upstairs... we then watched a first season episdoe of QaF and finally just lay in his bed and talked and listened to music. GREAT TIMES! SEriously it was just a laid back night, but I had a good time.

Ewww I don't want to go to work today! I hate the TX hot more than anything in the world. But yeah i need the money. I spent all morning posting my resume online at different places. So hopefully things will be looking good soon *crosses fingers*

Ok well I guess that is it... oh except for I called Nick yesterday. It was weird, just because I am not a phone person if I don't know the person really well. But we had a good short converstaion. I asked if he remembered everything the night he got drunk.. and he did ... oh boi! That makes me all nervous, tee hee. I guess we are hanging out tomorrow. I will write about it later. Time to head off.... *sings* hi ho.. hi ho.. its off to work I go....

I really just don't understand this! I am so frustrated with people... I don't get God... and what is going on with me lately? Seriously I don't think that I have ever been through anything like this before... and yet its not even me going through all of it, but my friends. But its all happening at once! And so what do I do? decide to move away! Some say its what i need most, taht I am too dependent on my friends. Well i say... BLEH! I am exctied about moving, but then i'm not. And then two weekends ago, and what did I do? and why don't i like church.. and what is goign on with my relatinoship with God. And my friends... GAH i am so sorry! My friends... I love them so much! Seriously, I have the best group of friends anyone could ever ask for. And yet I feel like I can't protect them from crappiness of the world... and I so want to! I know that after I get through all of this stuff in my head, and after God really works in me, I will come out a much stronger person. And I will grow, and become closer to God, and just be wiser. But right now, I almost feel like that isn't possible. I mean.. I am in some ways doubting the Bible! Not that I doubt what it says is truth, because I do believe it is. But why? I can't just take what it says and be ok with it. God needs to do somethign... anything! See I know that homosexuality is a sin... but why? Half of my best friends are gay, and I love them so much, and they are some of the BEST people in the world. I realize that being gay doesn't define who you are. But still... how can people like that be so wrong with God... its not possible? so yeah, i know what the Bible says, but I don't know why. And I am so hurt by it all. And some people tell me that of course we aren't going to understand it all, we aren't goign to understand half of what God says, but we are still supposed to live by it, and just trust him that he knows what he is talkign about. But that is so hard for me right now... because I need to know... God I love my friends, and it kills me to know that they are supposively not right with you. I want them to know you, I want them to live forever with me in heaven... I love them.. i don't want them to be going through CRAP!... judgemental NASTY people, who pretend to be your friends, trying to cram stupid things down our throats! .... opinions that are theirs, so they 'must be right'... family who is supposed to be supportive but isn't... me being incredibly stupid all the time and self involved, when i am supposed to be a good friend... and the list goes on! And what is up with me right now? some of the choices I am making aren't really great! But I don't really regret them at all. Why is it that I do'nt want to have anything to do with organized religion? Is it because I am sick of people telling me how to feel and act and what to believe? Someone called me closed minded today! What is up with that? I mean... what about them? They asked me if I would be open to knowing that I am wrong, well of course, I WANT to know truth, and I want to work through things. But are they willing to find out that they are wrong? Even if they are the majority, and they think that is impossible. And it isn't like I am not searching. This occupies most of my prayer time, I want to be at peace with God. I seriously just want to find out what I believe, and what God wants! I know that people care about me, and that is why they 'are concerned'. But goodness if I hear that one more time from someone that isn't part of my real group of friends, I am going to scream. And I can't believe that someone told me that my friends are bad influences on me, and that I shouldn't hang out with them so much. do they not realize that my group of friends are the most genuine, amazing people EVER! People just dont' really understand it all. And its not their fault, they aren't going to understand it unless they are involved... but then again they just shouldn't act like they DO get it! I want to be right with God... I do! I just need to make my own desicions, and live through things... and pray and read and so on.
but you know what? Heather is right.. i do take pride in being a fag hag! I love my gay men! they are the best people to be around, and perhaps that isnt' because they are gay, and its just a coincidence... but what can i say? she was like "what if I said... 'i love hanging around adulterers'" I couldn't believe she compared to two! GAH ... i dont know.. i know this journal entry is all messed up, and doesn't make sense. Its just about a million thoughts all coming out at once... not just the gay stuff, not just me moving to maryland... but mistakes i have made... and how i want to fix them. And which are actual mistakes, and which are mistakes just because people say they are? I dont know this is so weird...

"A fag hag is a woman who prefers the company of gay men. The marriage of two derogatory terms, fag and hag, symbolizing the union of the world's most popular objects of scorn, homosexual and woman, creates a moniker that most of those who wear it find inoffensive, possibly because it smacks of solidarity." ~Margaret Cho

The perfect man is gentle,
never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile
and keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
and would raise them by your side.
He would be a good father
as well as a husband to his bride.
The perfect man is sweet,
writing poetry from your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away all your pain.
He has never made you cry
or hurt you in any way.
To hell with this endless poem...
The perfect man is gay.
-Unknown

http://members.ethereal-realms.org/BuffyFaith/faghag1.jpg